Last week, I posted the first five things, us teachers would like for parents to know. Here are the next 5:
6. Each child is different. I've had parents that ask about all kinds services, diets etc. for their child because they had heard about another family using it and it doing wonders for that child. While we are thrilled that you are taking the initiative and researching therapies and methods that may help your child, know this; each child is different. What works for one child may not necessarily work for yours.
I teach children with Autism. Every child in my class is diagnosed with Autism, however, their strengths, weaknesses and needs vary greatly. And that's just within my small class, where they are all on somewhat similar academic levels. My school services children from pretty severely low functioning students to students in inclusion and very close to, if not on grade level. Just because another child may have the same diagnosis as yours, doesn't mean that they both need the same things, or thrive in the same programs. Some children need to be coddled a bit more and coaxed into following directions, etc. while others need a more firm, tough love approach. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that we will hug, nurture, and spoil one child, while we punish and yell at yours, I am just saying that there are some children who struggle with understanding boundaries, so we need to set up more rigid ones.
Just like in general education, every child learns differently. It is our job to find out how your child best learns and adopt that approach when working with him. Some kids need constant reinforcement throughout their tasks, while others can complete multiple tasks and then receive one reinforcer at the end. Please don't see this as we like one child better so we are rewarding them more often. It is actually better if your child receives fewer reinforcements, because it means that he is much more independent and has the focus and ability to remain on task and complete his work without someone standing over him. The main goal is to wean these children off reinforcers altogether and have them able to complete a task simply because they were asked to. You never want your child to become dependent on anything, you want him to be as independent as possible.
7. It's ok to feel frustrated. We know that you love your child more than anything and that all you want is what is best for him. With that said, we also know that all children, even (and sometimes especially) those with special needs can drive you crazy. There is nothing wrong with feeling frustrated or with admitting that especially to us. I absolutely love my students as if they were my own children, but there are days when one, or all of them really try my patience and drive me crazy. I'm only with them 35 hours out of the week, where your child is with you for the remaining 133, he is absolutely going to get on your nerves eventually. In times like these, just take a step back, breathe, and really look at the situation. See if you can find a compromise where he is quiet and happy without you giving into everything he wants.
If/when you come to the point when you are at your wits end and are really at a loss for what to do, or even before you get to that point come and talk to us. We can help you set up some behavior plans, or token reward systems or routine to help ease your frustrations and make your child's and your lives easier. Never be ashamed to admit that you are frustrated, because if you try to say for one minute that your child has never driven you at least a little crazy, you either never spend time with him, or you are absolutely kidding yourself.
8. Sometimes you have to let him tantrum. I know this sounds really mean, not to mention really trying on your patience, but there are times when you have to let your child tantrum. Children learn very quickly what they need to do in order to get what they want. Their first instinct is naturally to cry for it. In all fairness, it worked when they were infants, and were hungry, needed to be changed or simply wanted to be held, so why not try it when they want a snack or a toy when you are out shopping. It was obviously acceptable for an infant to cry because he has no other way of communicating, however now that your child is older, it is no longer acceptable to scream and cry when he wants something. Even if he is nonverbal there are other ways to request what he wants, even if it is simply pointing to it.
Children who throw tantrums do so because they have learned that it is the most effective way to get what they want. If I knew that I could get $100 just from screaming and crying and throwing a fit every so often, then I would be kicking and screaming right now, but I can't so I had to learn other ways to get what I want. I understand that when you come home from a long tiring day at work, the last thing you want to do is listen to your child screaming and crying, and possibly throwing things all over the place, but that is what you need to do if you ever want those behaviors to go away. I won't lie to you, the tantrums will get much much worse initially, but as long as you stand your ground and don't give in, they will eventually go away. Trust me, he will try to break you. He will scream louder and longer, make a scene (especially if you are in public), and most likely kick swing and throw things. You have to stand your ground and let him tire himself out. If you give in, he will only learn that if he keeps it up, he will eventually get what he wants. It will be extremely frustrating and possibly embarrassing, but you must stick to your guns on this and let him ride it out so that he will learn that tantruming gets you nothing, and the only way to get what you want is to ask appropriately and wait nicely.
9. Think realistically. All parents have huge dreams for their children. Those dreams don't need to be crushed when you have a child with special needs, they just need to be adjusted. If your child is severely Autistic, he will probably not become a heart surgeon. Instead on dwelling on what he will probably never do, focus on what his strengths are and really relish the little victories. When one of my students learned his phone number, and called home; or independently wrote his first letter, we celebrated as if he had won the Nobel Prize. Little accomplishments are huge victories in the field of special education. Focus on the positives and the victories and you will see that although, your dreams and goals for your child may have changed, it can be just as rewarding when they do come true.
So you've made peace with the fact that your child may not go to Harvard. Now we need to focus on understanding and coming to terms with where you're child really is cognitively. I've had a parent ask me to put multiplication on her son's IEP, when her son was still struggling with double digit addition without carrying. This same parent has told me that she was hoping that one day her son would wake up and just no longer be Autistic. Many of you have heard testimonies of children who have gone on the Gluten and Casein free diets and were miraculously cured of Autism. I don't believe this for one minute. I do believe that some children are sensitive to gluten and casein, so by eliminating it from their diets, some of their behaviors have decreased, since it is no longer making them feel sick. There is no cure for Autism, and to this day the best treatment for it is Early Intervention. The sooner you come to terms with that the better you will be able to truly be an effective advocate for your child. If your child can not yet count, do not demand that they be learning addition. We need to move at the pace of the child so that he can reach his full potential.
10. Never stop fighting for your child. You are your child's greatest advocate. Unfortunately, many parents do not know what rights they or their child have when it comes to receiving services or aids in the home, and many parents aren't told what kind of help they can receive unless they are proactive and ask. The best way to learn is by asking. If you know that your child is capable of more than he is currently doing, then talk to us and voice your concerns. If you feel like you are getting shafted be louder. If the school gives you reasonable reasons as to why they do not think what you are asking for is appropriate then listen and talk it out in a civil manner, however, if they really do not seem like they are looking out for your child's best interest then get your case worker involved, or speak to other parents for advice and support. Most schools have a PTA or Parent Coordinator to inform parents of their rights and options.
The most important thing to keep in mind however, is to make sure you maintain a friendly relationship with your child's school. If you come in fighting people will be less willing to help you. If you come in respectful, and politely pursue what you want for your child, people will be more likely to listen to you and to really fight for you.
The parent I had spoken about earlier, who had mentioned that she had hoped that her child would wake up one day and no longer be Autistic, although was slightly delusional in that thought process, was not too far off to hope that. I had this student when he was 8 years old. She told me at this same IEP meeting that when he was first diagnosed, his doctors said he would never speak or progress very far at all. Here he is, years later, verbal, reading, writing, adding, and moving from a 6:1:1 to an 8:1:1. If his mother had taken what the doctors said to heart, and stopped fighting for him, I highly doubt he would have come so far.
Work with your school, and trust in their sincere advice, but the minute you feel your child can do more, fight for it.
I hope this list will help you when you are working and conversing with your child's teachers and school. Always remember that there will be ups and downs along the road, but the tougher the obstacle, the greater the victory. Throughout this journey always keep in mind that we are all working toward the same goal, and that is providing your child with the skills to succeed in life and independently as possible.
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